A Quarter of a Century Later

I have lived for a quarter of a century. Scary, getting so old, while I still love to read new adults romance novel. Scary, considering my fashion style is equal to a 15 year old girl. And it is freaking scary to realize I have spent 1 whole year in my life, running around on the same circle over and over again.

So, I started my new age with the same old boring question that I kept asking to me, “What have you done in 25 years of your life?” Then I told Mr. B about this, and he asked me back, “What things did you mean by ‘things you have done in your life?’ What did you expect the answer will be?” Well it stricken me, deadly. I mean, I keep chanting the question for couples of months prior to my birthday; I pity and look down on myself based on this question. But really, what do you appreciate in life in order for you to call it as achievement?

2015 is an amazing roller coaster year for me. I left my job. I and Mr. B were moving our relationship forward to 4 years from it supposed to be. I learn new language, German as Mr. B is getting an amazing chance to get his PhD study in Germany. I show curiosity in calligraphy, adults coloring activity and planner.  And I fall back in love with drawing stupid-meaningful things for my taste.  Are all of this could be included in “things you have done in your life”?

That would be NO.

Why? Because the biggest question I have in me is still unanswered, “What kind job do you want to spend the rest of your life with?” I also often said “I hate my job and I was too quick on deciding my major back then. Now look what my poor decisions had made me. I want a CHANGE IN LIFE, like A TOTAL MAKE OVER!” It has been a struggle for years to simply answer that dreadful question and manage my one-ticket-to-Crazyville thought.

While in my too-much-free-time enjoying Pinterest, I stumbled back to the quote I mentioned earlier:

“If you change nothing, nothing will change”

It is true, you know, ‘no change in you’ means ‘you stuck in the same spot for all you hate’. It is like a bird, equipped with wings, knows he could fly, imagine the incredible feeling of flying, but never learn how to fly.

Got stricken by this quote, I realized until now I only keep nagging about how miserable my life is, but never have a courage to change it. Never brave enough to take a step closer to make the change. Never grown up enough to be the change.

Therefore for 2016, I decided that this will be the last year I let myself be swayed under my indecisive mind and set my sail for good soon. And the first step is to set my 2016 resolutions and the second step is set new habits as a way to achieve it. Third one will be the hardest, as I have to try to stick with it in the hope of achieving MAJOR POSITIVE CHANGE at the end of the year.

So, on the next post, I will write down new-year-new-me thingy resolutions and habits. Not at the moment, as it is now 1:50 am, I am tired and sleepy. I won’t be able to write it down properly (and probably will humiliate myself if kept writing. Yes, stop now!). Until the next post then!

But one thing foremost,




Confidence is a Magic

“If you don’t believe in yourself,
who’s going to believe you?”

Yes, I have said that to my BF, yes, you are probably reading this and yes, saying those words is much much much easier than actually doing it.

I have to say, I am an average girl, with average brains, average skills and average live. I love to read, write, draw and cook. But all of my skills in those activities are average. I am not mastering on one skill so that I could become the New York Times best-selling author or the next Masterchef or can be a con artist like Neal Caffrey. My skill is not bad, but not splendid too. So, how in the world am I supposed to have confidence within me if there are others who could do better?

Since I always look at myself as someone who is in the average category among the earth-human-creatures, I never expect much from myself. It doesn’t mean I don’t have dreams, I do, but I always make sure it is a realistic one. Why should I dream to be a famous music artist when I am only good at bathroom karaoke? Could I? Yes. Should I? Go ahead, if you want wasting your time. This is how I always think of myself, I classified things that is impossible to reach and the one that is possible. I am often in low-self-confidence mode, because really, who am I? One among 6,5 million world population.


That was what Gordon Ramsay said in Masterchef U.S while judging one of the contestant’s food and the contestant didn’t look confidence with his dish.

“Have more CONFIDENCE in yourself.
Even if you don’t, pretend to have it.” – Gordon Ramsay

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